In the Beginning

My love hate relationship with food and dieting was born when I was 10 years old.

My mother, alarmed at the way her little girl was ballooning into epic proportions, decided she would shink me back to my dress-size-for-age - something I hadn't been able to wear for years. With no medical consult whatsoever, she completely cut rice out of my diet and substituted it with a can of pineapple juice to go with whatever was in my lunch box at the time.

It worked, of course. Having had no allowance at that age, I couldn't cheat and buy my own rice or any of the other contraband items from the school canteen. Everyone at home was under strict instructions not to feed me.

There was always a long litany of affectionate name calling - "Taba," "Babs," "Balyena." Until that time, I had no idea it was wrong to be fat. I was a kid, and I loved food. Sure, it was always such a hassle to shop for new clothes and we were always getting "one size bigger," but the implications of that went over my head. In school, I'd often be picked for last by the athletic kids during PE class, but I always put it down to being a natural klutz rather than my size. Maybe it was... now I'll never know.

Because it was around that time I was issued the dire warning that if I didn't lose weight, I'd grow so fat and large and scary that no one would love me.

That really stuck in my head, big time. Despite my friends telling me the contrary (my family continues to spout the same gospel to this day), I grew up with the idea that my fat was central to my being unloved.

I know in my head that should not be true, but my gut continues to cling to that as true. Unfortunately, there has been no evidence to the contrary in my life. While friends my age are all getting married and settling down, I have never even had a boyfriend. I have been the Best Friend all my life, regardless of what end of the scale I tipped.

It's become so bad that the quest of finding love when I am still fat has become my Holy Grail. After all, if someone loves me when I am fat, he must really love me. Obviously, it has yet to happen.